Relationships can be great, having someone to love and to be loved by that person, its
human nature to want to be part of something and to want to love and be loved. As humans
we naturally want to be in relationships from children to adults.The question why do I keep picking the same kind of partner? Comes to me a lot through my private practice. There's a number of different reasons why you would feel attracted to a certain type of person and I look to explore some of these reasons below:
When you get used to being in negative relationships, although you may not like them, you become comfortable as you know what to expect and you're used to it. The more you get used to the pattern of picking and staying with the wrong partner, the more you'll end up doing this in the future. You may find that, not only do you pick the wrong partner but you'll stay in that relationship even if you're unhappy and you'll always find a reason to stay. Whether its because you tell yourself, your partner does show you love some of the time (which you'll only focus on rather than focusing on everything). You may tell yourself he/she will change at some point and wait for that day, you may even be telling yourself things are not that bad and stay as a result. In reality if you looked at every aspect of the relationship and asked yourself if you were happy, you would most likely find that you're not happy.
Fear is a big driver when it comes to relationships, this fear can work in many different ways; its dependent on the you. When fear plays a part in your relationship, it can prevent you from wanting to leave an unhappy relationship on the basis that you wont find anyone else and will be alone forever (your thoughts can be dramatic even if they're not true). Fear can also make you believe no one else will want you and therefore you have no choice but to stay in the current relationship. Fear can also make you act and behave in a certain way (unconsciously), so as to prevent a relationship from forming, this usually stems from past rejections and fear of being rejected again, such as making your mind go blank when you're having a conversation, making you shake when your partner touches you.
Rejection can happen at any time by anyone; someone not listening to you, your needs not being met, being treated unfairly; when in a relationships due to the invested feelings and emotions you feel the rejection a lot more and it can be a lot more painful. If you're used to being rejected, you may find that you're attracted to partners who will reject you.
If you choose someone who wouldn't reject you of their own accord - you'll push them to reject you. When pushing your partner to reject you; you may find that you start arguments, you may end up being abrupt, treating them unkindly etc. all in a bid to push them to reject you. The way this pattern of behaviour works, has the same outcome - you'll feel rejected. In this situation, you may find that you are unlikely to pick a partner who wont reject you. You may come up with excuses as to why you shouldn't be with that person. All of this is driven by your unconscious mind.
If you find a partner who rejects you, you may find that you put more time and effort into that relationship, despite the fact that your partner is rejecting you (not spending time with you, calling you names, treating you unreasonably etc.) This pattern has been learnt over time through experiences and your unconscious mind have a purpose to complete that pattern. You may find that you stay in these types of relationships longer than necessary but you cant find a reason why you've stayed.
Low self-worth is what you believe you deserve now, if you asked yourself, you may tell yourself that you deserve to be treated with respect, loyalty, integrity etc. however your actions may paint a different picture. If you allow yourself to be treated in a negative way, you don't believe you deserve better which is why you allow this to happen. If you have low self-worth, you'll put up with a lot of negativity from partners and even friends and family. When it comes to relationships you may find that your partner treats you unfairly, mistreats you etc. and you find that you cant bring yourself to leave him/her, the reasons may be a combination of low self-worth and the issues detailed above.
First and foremost, in order to break these cycles, you have to raise your self-awareness and
notice as and when these things are happening, continue to notice them and you'll find your
self-awareness will increase to a degree where you'll notice these things before you act upon your thoughts rather than in hindsight which will allow you to implement changes to prevent you feeling rejected.
Kiran Mahboob has volunteered as a Counsellor in YMCA's across Birmingham and provided a Counselling service dealing with issues such as anger management, depression, anxiety, addictions, abuse, eating disorders, low self-confidence, stress and many more.
Kiran has successfully worked with individuals to help them cope on a day to day basis and also to deal with/overcome their issues so they can regain control of their lives.