Our senses are terribly fallible. They are often inaccurate, faulty, inconsistent and quite often, just plain wrong. For instance, a person in a desert may see a mirage or ice can be so cold it feels hot to touch. Other deceptions you may be more familiar with are: depression, borderline personality disorder, anxiety...
Ice can be so cold, it can feel hot to touch.
This is true, and it does in fact burn. Or it is described as a burn, because that is what it feels like. But that is not what it is. Today I am this block of ice. Unapproachable, unsympathetic, zero empathy and so cold it can hurt (you).
It doesn't hurt me, my feelings seem to be on strike, or vacation or dead. Who knows? They're not here though. I feel like aliens have designed a human, gave it everything they have observed in other humans, every body part but forgot about the soul.
Something is missing.
Just off the phone with my girlfriend who is in tears because of my (seeming) lack of care, or empathy. She is right, though. It is selfish and I am self interested. But that is because I seem to have lost my ability to empathise - I just don't feel it. I want to. I really do.
I asked for space. Space, because I know that when I am alone I don't mind not having emotion. But I do realise having zero emotion around people who care a lot about you isn't sustainable. Although it also appears that is the case whether I am around them or not.
Shakespeare always comes to mind in times like this (Quite possibly the most pretentious thing I've ever written... but that is to be shattered by my next sentence). In one of his plays or poems or whatever they're called, there is a guy who is described as having a waterproof heart. Waterproof because he seems to care little about the pain he is causing t0 others. He is unsympathetic to their pain and entirely orientated towards himself.
My heart is currently wrapped in so many waterproof materials it could spend a day in the spa and come out dry.
I have faith though. Faith the emotion, the sympathy and empathy will return. I don't know when, or how, but I would like it to come back soon. Long before any damage is done that is for sure.
Mindfump. is an anonymous mental health blogger, who lives in Vienna, Austria. He has dealt with mental health problems for 15 years of his 28 on earth. After not saying a word about it to anyone for 15 years, he now has rather a lot to say. Read more at the Mindfump blog or connect via Twitter