I'm 36, I have Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression and Social Anxiety. I have battled drugs, alcohol and an eating disorder. I work part time (2 days a week) and I am at Uni part time studying BA (Hons) English Literature & Creative Writing. I love vintage, nostalgia, reading, interiors and handbags!!
This is a day in the life of living with an illness that is relentless, you can’t escape from and comes and goes as it pleases on a daily basis, without warning and like an unwelcome house guest.
I got up this morning, well at lunchtime but with a few minutes to go till midday, we will call it morning. It makes me feel marginally better that I didn’t stay in bed past lunchtime.
I lay in bed this morning as I wanted to hide from what was going on in my head. Amongst all the feelings that I just can’t make sense of, it’s the overwhelming desire to end my life that has me in distress, crisis and despair. But how can you really hide from this? It takes over my head, a poison, a pain wrapping itself round every part of my being like a snake. A predator of my sanity.
It hurts real bad, physically and emotionally.
You can’t just take a painkiller and wait half hour for it to disappear. It’s times like this that I crave for vodka and narcotics. Alcohol used to numb it all, used to make me feel like I mattered, like I was brilliant and confident and untouchable. In reality I was a drunken promiscuous (a BPD trait) mess looking for the impossible. For something and someone that wasn’t there or going to be achieved through a litre of vodka every day.
My thoughts are all over the place, jumping back and forth, left and right. Just make it stop. Please make it stop. I feel like I am constantly fighting for my life against something invisible to the rest of the world, from the minute I open my eyes to the minute that I thankfully close them again. Sometimes I wish, for good.
Breathing, blinking, staring, wondering.
BPD is a lifelong condition for which there is no specified medication. It’s about attending therapy and coping/management courses. There’s just no quick fix.
People always think that BPD behaviour is on purpose or out of choice. It gets so tiresome and boring having to constantly repeat and explain yourself.
Would you go up to a diabetic and put a bucket of sugar down their neck? No? Then why do people antagonise and trigger people with mental health illnesses. It’s so wrong. I have blocked so many people out of my life including family members. People can be ignorant and lazy about learning about conditions that LOVED ONES have.
Please don’t think I’m self absorbed. I talk openly so others don’t feel alone. If there comes a day when I just can’t take it anymore, then I hope by speaking out, I can help just one person. Just wish I could help myself. Today isn’t one of those days. I’m told to ring the Police if I feel suicidal. I think I will sleep now.
In Sarah Louise's own words she is "an aspiring writer lost in a world of dreams. I blog my life away at handbagsandheartbreak.wordpress.com and hound the world with my interiors obsession on Instagram. I don't do mornings and I rarely do days either but on my good days, I'm pretty awesome!!"