You would think the answer would be nothing, yet the anxiety is still there, the overthinking of every decision made, apprehensive for what the future has in store.
When you think about loss, we usually think of losing a loved one or close friend, but we can grieve in more than one way, loss can come in all shapes and sizes.
I entered 2019 married, in a nice 2 bedroom house, a content cat and my mental health was fairly in tack. Within 2 weeks I was separated, living alone in a house I couldn’t afford to keep and forcing to keep that ‘I AM OK’ charade on around my family and friends.
I was embracing those ‘new year, new me’ clichés just weeks before, I had plans, big plans of training to be a counsellor, travelling, pushing to run longer distances and coming off medication. I felt the loss of these plans, it hurt inside, and I grieved the loss of what could have been.
Separations are different for everyone, I was grieving for a relationship that I no longer had, we both knew that we weren’t right for each other in the end but admitting it and facing that head on is one of the hardest things I have had to go through. Emotions are flying, sadness, anger, relief, loss, fear to name a few and how do you manage all these at once?!
Watching the house I once built to be a ‘happy’ and ‘safe’ space getting emptier and emptier around me, furniture, décor, the things we once shared slowly disappearing around me. Those apprehensive thoughts of where am I going to find that 'happy' and ‘safe’ space again, or will I never find it again.
The loss of control over the situation heightened my anxiety, we humans like to feel in control, even if it is a sub conscious feeling, and it’s just a fact of life. I believe a factor of anxiety is the lack of control we feel over a situation it could be a fear of flying, fear of heights, fear of water, fear of social situations or a fear of public speaking. I had to move, I had to sell my possessions, I had find a place for me and my cat to live, I had to put on a brave face and pretend that I was ok, even when I wasn’t.
I pretty much lost everything, except my cat, some clothes, DVDs and books.
All these things that I lost were just material items, but they once built a safe home and now I no longer have that ‘safety’ of home.
For now I don’t have all the answers and that is ok, life doesn’t always go the way that we plan it, however hard we try to plan things there will be bumps along the way and hurdles we have to overcome. We loose and we gain, we learn along the way, the bad times make us appreciate the good times even more. The hardest climbs often lead to beautiful destinations.
Sophie Collumbell is a regular writer for the Counsellors Café Magazine. In Sophie's words: "I don’t take life too seriously, always joking and making people laugh! Family and friends mean the world to me, and my little cat tiggs! Music is my life, I spend most time with my headphones on listening to anything and everything, I believe ‘When words fail music speaks’! I am more creative than anything, I love writing and knowing that hopefully, writing my struggles can help other people is just the best feeling ever! I cannot wait for the future so I can train to be a counsellor and hopefully help someone the way my counsellor has helped me!"