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Searching: Sarah's Poem

image by Jason Wong

Thought I was impossible to love Demonised when my only way to cope was to shed blood People told me that they cared but they showed me otherwise A Diagnosis a number vilified and demonised For so many years placed faith in no one that I met Avoid emotional investment saw each person as a threat Can’t get up out of bed my life is devastated Curtains remain closed my dreams obliterated

Indescribable pain in my heart and in my mind

Barely able to function despite the drugs I am prescribed

My mind so over occupied sometimes forget to breathe

Is the hurt scribed across my face possible to read

When the darkness descends I create distance from my friends

Life becomes a battle in which I cannot contend

The actions I displayed during my times of desperation

Often meant by so many with judgement and condemnation

Thunder crashing lightning flashing in my mind throughout the day Trapped in a world of emotions that I struggle to convey I trusted nobody whilst trusting everyone Fixed in my heart then suddenly you’re gone In search of love and care from someone who is genuine A bond that is formed on attributes beneath the skin

I explain my apathy whilst they assess my risk My suicidal thoughts and intentions are dismissed Which direction for me next? Exhausted all that they suggest A simple request for help becomes a desperate protest I want that answer, that fix that I know does not exist 50 simultaneous voices bellow in my head To move my limbs like hauling lead

Surrounded by irritants Disregard or compliments Plagued with guilt for my feelings For my self-inflicted bleeding Relationships appear fractured though for nobody else Can any more confusion be caused by my mental health?

the Author


At age 17 I was registered blind, at age 21 I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder I have frequently self harmed and attempted to take my life but writing poetry has helped me to find some self worth

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